I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
By the way, I think my next facebook status update will read, "Aaron recently found out Vanessa's a screamer."
oh god.
My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
Speaking of school, I've done the math and I get laid about 10 times more often than I did before I got my law degree. $100,000 well spent.
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
Randomize
