Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
im on the hungover til tuesday pabst blue ribbon diet
Less than a month to go... I do not understand how I was able to put up with a roommate who wears bright green Crocs for a year.
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
What conversation warrents "penis" in rainbow comic sans
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
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