Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
im poppin the ladies like they're bacne
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
Hes flirting with her via the sauce packets at taco bell....... I have no words
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
Randomize
