we're chasing vodka with high fives
Id pretty much put it in anything at this point. Jello. Dogs. 12 year old boys
One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
Just wait til you visit, there will be an endless supply of fresh dick for your demand #economics
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
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