youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
just used a paint mixing cup as a shot glass. thank u art school.
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
Smoked Hookah in the playhouse last night. Childhood was so fun.
he told me while inside me and mid thrust that he's dreamed of that moment since high school... awkward
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
i bet he makes cat noises to excite himself.
Made out with sailor moon tonight. Childhood dreams do come true.
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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