the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
found out this morning via facebook that the guy i met last night has a wife and a baby and he took me to his apartment where he takes girls to cheat on his wife
i mean you met him at the daytona 500
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
We had sex on the beach. I was completely naked except for my sneakers. That's when you know
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
isnt it crazy how for years we were living our owns lives, and now only a wall seperates us?
stop. eating. my. shrooms.
Randomize
