I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
We blazed in her bathtub. All 5 of us. Not easy bro
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
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