did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
the wall and i were having dominance issues.
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
So is seeing the guy's penis that I'm talking to something you're into or nah?
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Randomize
