I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
Yes. Being a lesbian's wingman is a fun as it sounds
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Randomize
