He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
jack dropped his pants and said "bet u've never seen a dick this big." which was really sad cuz i had never actually seen one that small...you have like pinch it between ur thumb and pointer finger to give a HJ
I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
So the answer to your question is yes, I was masturbating on the roof of my building.
You missed out on a serious adventure. Cops were called. We put a chicken in someones house.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
wasn't that the evening we made out with the girls from the dental school, drank 3000 beers, almost had to beat up a guy at the strip club and James nailed some hot piece of tail and took her OSU windbreaker, which my dad went on to wear multiple times after finding it in the garage.
Yes. To all of that. Yes.
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
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