This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
You ad-libbed two DETAILED rounds of price is right, 1 wheel of fortune, and 1 deal or no deal.... by yourself with sound effects and music included
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun??
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
I know this shouldnt be a problem, but there are too many women hitting on me. I dont know what to do
Randomize
