He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
Your scrotum should have touched every square inch of that place by now. Start with the water fountain.
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
Sorry you uh had to see that last night. That's the problem with open fields, no privacy...
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
Randomize
