i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
NBC reported that a group almost has enough signatures to submit pole dancing as an Olympic sport in 2016...
God I fucking love America.
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
He wants to know how I lost my bra in his pants....id like to know too
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
I have no idea. But I feel like I could climb a mountain and then have sex on it.
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
Randomize
