I told u I don't really remember everything lol i pretty much remember not lasting as long as I norm and that I wore a condom, I hate condoms
my phone needs a breathalizer
Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
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