WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
Forgot that I saved my paper as "Eat Shit Edwards" and e-mailed it because I missed class. I'm sure Prof. Edwards will be delighted when she gets it. I don't anticipate a passing grade.
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
I have been running off of weed, alcohol, and Mexican food. What is Tallahassee.
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
Randomize
