i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
He filled our room with little plastic cups of beer so the only way I could get out was by drinking them all.
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
On a scale of 1-10 how inappropriate is it for me to ask if Walgreens offers teacher discounts when purchasing a Plan B pill?
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
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