i jhust puked up my retainher.
I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
It'd probably just be a lot of profanity and hyperventilation and deteriorating into tears anyways
so just a regular conversation then
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
You told everyone to shut up then told the officer that you are 21 when you drink.
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
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