They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
Improvement. She went from pretending she was the soccer ball in the world cup games and it hurt when they kicked her to passed out on the floor.
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
Your place is a magnet for either righteous parties or crippling alcohol dependency. Lets find out which together
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
most of the afternoon was spent sneaking around my house and alternating which bathrrom to throw up in.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
Randomize
