Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
Do u kno any dealers?
I've officially lost all respect for you, dad.
Needless to say Beer Gardens severly frowns upon playing flip cups with real glasses.
what am i going to do when LOST is over? What am i going to get high to?
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
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