I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
Well. Nothing came of that. And to think I manscaped and dusted with gold bond.
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
we are torturing ourselves with these mediocre cocks
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
Randomize
