It's like I'm the Little Bo Peep of sheparding dicks.
Only someone with your twisted mind could come up with that simile. Do you sit around and read 'How to turn Beloved Childrens Stories into Sexual Analogies?' This is the 3rd time you've done this.
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
Even the bar was yelling boobs, so of course the shirt came off
he went at my nipples like a starved dog.
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
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