if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
We should make a goal to do one active thing a day, even if its like throwing a ball
And by ball i mean playing catch. Beer pong does not count as an activity
I froze in his sixty one degree room but i came so hard. Like fucking the eskimo god.
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
You know it's been awhile when the imagery of fucking AT A DENNY'S gets me really turned on.
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
I forgot wine drunk hurts
I'm not big on drama but you need to put your pants on and leave.
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