A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
This bar is like a mediocre whore house....but free
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
Randomize
