The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
Between having seen you naked and interpreting your values based on the occasional political FB post, you're no stranger for sure.
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
Randomize
