You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
Sorry, I don't speak sober.
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
This show inspires me to have sex in space
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
Do not take the D yet, he needs to be worth it. Your Vagina is GOLD.
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
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