she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
She still cant shoot whiskey?
Im having serious doubts about this relationship
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
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