Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
This beer is not sobering me up at all
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
I'm serious. I have boob tassles if this is an exchange thing.
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
They need to eat meat, go down on me the first time, every time, and know how to pull my hair. And there's a height requirement for this ride
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
Randomize
