the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
I have to cancel. My sons dad is out of jail unexpectedly and i'm kinda an emotional wreck. P.s. This is not the life I dreamed of as a little girl.
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
Honestly I'm so excited to go to bed I feel as if I don't deserve to be in my early twenties.
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
Randomize
