I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
i love how you can even make your typing come across bitchy
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
So apparently I ended up throwing my clothes in the toilet after getting kicked out of TQ and ran around the neighborhood in my boxers. Works gonna suck hard once this hangover kicks in. Also: I lost a shoe so looks like flipflops for the rest of winter
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
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