I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
Do they make some cleansing product for your soul? Like mouthwash that makes you not a skank? Or is that what religions for?
Eh, i think it's called sobriety. But its not fun.
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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