Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
Little spoons don't ask big questions
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
It's amazing what a couple of orgasms can do for a girls demeanor.
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
I have rug burns on my nipples. Thanks for being an awesome wing girl.
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
Randomize
