i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
Second night spent with creepy guy. I either need to change his nickname or stop doing this.
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
That's right. I did.
You are the saddest 25 year old gay man I've ever had the displeasure of knowing.
Is it possible to break your brain with drugs?
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
Randomize
