Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
Spotted: Pepto Bismol pink Scion with Ed Hardy sticker on front window, air freshener, and seat covers. Total Douchette Mobile.
even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
Nah it's alright, I'll just ride cock all the way to hell
Floor bacon is actually really good
Randomize
