I'll collect that couch/porn sloopy beedge tomorrow just FYI
so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
words of advice: black light parties reveal cum stained clothing.
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
She has the best kind of daddy issues
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
Randomize
