i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
One date. That's all it took. I want to have his geunis babies in me. One date.
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
Everyone threw up but him. I took off my shirt because I puked on it. There were also a lot of drag queens involved.
I've never seen an uncircumcised dick in real life and the internet indicates I don't want to.
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
Randomize
