They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
Let's just say that I took off my pants and I had superman boxers on. Then she took off her pants and she had batman panties on. I think she's the one!
So he has moved up to a stage 5 clinger...Surprised he didn't try to lure you into bed with tacos, like he did last time
Yeah... akward. I don't want a round 2
I cant believe you bit her ass cheek, she must have been really weirded out.
yeah so we made out to make it less awkward
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