i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
well shes beginning to earn a reputation as "the girl who tries to bone her hook ups in the ass with a pickle"
IT'S SUMMA TIME
ITS SUMMA TIME NOT BE HIGH ALL THE TIME TIME
THEY'RE THE SAME THING
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
Randomize