I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
I found him. We're on the way back to the condo. He was sitting in the lifeguard stand letting people passing by take pictures of his nipples for a buck each..he made 15 dollars
I take back all of the insults I've ever said toward those money makers
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
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