How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
and then I told him he looked like the Gordon's Fisherman dude. I don't think he thought it was funny, because he 'forgot' to pay for my beer.
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
four loko is apparently banned in the us. so i think its time for us to stock up. i already emailed them about buying them in bulk
It got kind of awkward when her dad brought home a 20 something asian girl at 3am
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
Ur creepiness is now affecting my life and I'm not okay with it
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
