I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
Dude has a bag of wine attached to his belt. These guys don't fuck around.
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
Still dying that you shit outside
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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