I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
So i was told that i peed in the sink, had sex with a pillow and banged on a washer while singing idian chants
it was a 10 min screaming orgasm. i don't care that you were next door and didn't appreciate all the noise.
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
Randomize
