I lost my shoes and bra and was beyond mapquesting
I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
No stitches, just platelets and will power
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
You ever sit back and realize our friendship is based off us ranting at each other with random animal photos thrown in
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
Randomize
