OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
Just got a blow job while taking my online quiz. How is life in the dorms treating you?
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
Hes wearing a shirt that says warning shitshow and i cant help but think his attorney made him wear it so ppl know the dangers.
Whatever happend to that lawsuit where he got sued for shittig in that fish tank
I went to an 8am hookup in another guys sweatpants. Who is the really player here?
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
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