Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
I have on cowboy boots and a ten gallon hat. I'd say I'm a little past tipsy
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
im so sad I can't openly talk about acid tab Sundays
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
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