Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
and then he put stevie wonder on to fuck to...and hummed along as I blew him
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
spring break - time to see if my two week detoxing gave my liver a chance to recover.
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
Randomize
