you would have Pina Colada flavored saliva.
They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
ted dressed as a cardinal led an expedition across campus. i felt like one of the 12 apostles.
Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
Randomize
