I think I'm in Tiajuana
You are not in Tijuana. I saw you an hour ago
I could be
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
Just spent 3 hours on the Mcdonalds website. I don't know what to do with myself now that college is over.
update. expensive tequila only makes the mistakes more expensive.
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
Randomize
