I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
sorry he hasn't talked to me since the surprise salvia incident...
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
If you sleep with him again I'll have you spayed
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
Had a one night stand and didnt remember the guys name until he started sending me poems in the mail.
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
