he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
Yeah plus that night got so disgusting it's basically a repressed memory anyway
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
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