I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
I attract so much trash. The guy that is engaged and kissed me is here so is his fiancé. I feel likeshw knows and will cut me in the bathroom might happen. If I'm not at the pool tomorrow she has blonde hair and is really flat.
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
Are my feet made of real feet?
Also, I'd like to add that that I'm not quitting my job, my boss fed me shots at 11 am this morning.
We would be rich. And the whole world would be stoned.
I'm not saying Tijuana was a bad idea, I'm saying that we make poor life choices. And Steve was robbed by the police.
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
Randomize
