my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
Based on the time of Sean's "I'm on your street" phone call last night, we had sex for an hour and a half. Man, time flies when you're getting boned to an orgasmic death.
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
Please root for the ravens. I now have oral sex riding on this and it's been sooooo long
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
Wow. The LSU Tennessee game is on here and the LSU cheerleaders are stupid hot. Its weird having a hard on. At a bar. On a Wednesday. By yourself.
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
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